Feelin' "Blue"

"Worry and guilt generally mark the path to most Blues' homes... For wrongs they think they've done, Blues will chastise themselves seemingly forever."  --Taylor Hartman, The Color Code

Basically, you don't need to make me feel guilty, I do it too much all on my own.

I am a true Blue. A loyal, orderly, moody, complex, insecure, worried perfectionist.

This struggle has shown up the most in my friendships. I didn't grow up with siblings. I had friends. LOTS of friends. I craved putting in the time and effort to cultivate lasting friendships. It filled a hole that felt like something was missing. It's heart breaking when at one point or another, I realize:

1) It's over, move on. Let go.
2) I messed it up. I wasn't perfect.

I make a friend for life! (In my perfect world.) I am loyal forever once a friendship is established. I'm very sincere with each friendship. Some people wonder how I can have so many friends. I am the first one to admit that I feel honored and undeserving of people's friendships sometimes because I know I either have let them down or will let them down.

I try to be the "perfect" friend... for their approval, I guess. I put those expectations on myself and I can tell with some friends I must be just that. Perfect. I can't be myself because it's too risky, too much to handle. Being rejected is such a scarring to my heart. I can tell when it's happening and I wish I could say, "You don't need to do that to me. I feel bad enough all on my own."

I never wanted to believe that your friendships change... e.g., different stages, you grow, they grow, you outgrow them, they outgrow you, or that you "really know who your friends are" when 'life' happens. I evaluate myself as a friend often. I want to grow with each friendship, not stop it altogether. I think it's possible with:

• Communication
• Forgiveness
• Quality Time

Ever wish you didn't care so much???  Me too.