Needing Grace

I have been in a slump lately with the kind of mother that I am... I don't know where all my energy went. I thought I knew things that turns out I didn't. I thought I could rely on things that I actually couldn't.

Did you think you'd be the mom who could somehow "manage it all"? Did you think you'd be the mom that came up with creative ideas at mealtime and activities throughout a day? Holidays especially? Did you think you'd be able to be patient in each stage of your child's life without anger rearing it's ugly head? Did you think you'd be able to get yourself ready while doing the same for each child? Did you think you'd be able to spiritually guide and influence your child daily?

Gosh, I sure did.

I imagined myself in such different ways. I struggle with the where I want to be and where I am.

I always thought I'd have an answer to every question my child asked me... An answer that was thoughtful and explained exactly what I needed to convey. I always thought I'd be able to enjoy the time I spent at home all day, rain or shine. I thought I'd be able to be patient without losing control of my words because you just DO with a child. I thought I could figure out a schedule, no problem.. And stick to it! I thought I could read a parenting book and implement helpful tips- Ha!

Now some of this I know is about [unrealistic] expectations. But my heart is just crying out the Lord for His grace lately because I'm in desperate need of it. I feel like an overgrown garden, needing to be weeded out so there's more space and beauty to abound. I also realize I may have been more of a control-freak than I ever wanted to see. Balancing in life is sure tough.

I can't tell my friends how much I appreciate them at this exact stage in my life because so many have shared similar struggles and it's what keeps me asking for grace and not losing hope. <3

A Birth Story

I knew our baby girl wouldn't come till May. And I was pretty sure I'd reach my due date, May 6th. But even I was surprised she didn't come until 7 days later! 

It was a Monday afternoon and I had just done a marathon cleaning session at my house. I figured if I wanted to relax all week and be lazy, I better get all my cleaning done! Afterwards, I headed to my 41 week appointment, feeling hopeful. My Braxton-Hicks contractions had been more frequent. That had to mean I dilated more... Right?! Wrong!

First they sent me to the ultrasound tech and I was actually thrilled! I had no idea I'd get to see my baby this far along and get some pictures of her beautiful face! My fluid levels were great and the baby was measuring 8 pounds, 14 ounces. Everything looked great, which meant I could wait one more week before my doctor scheduled an induction. 

They monitored the baby and I for over an hour, making sure she was active enough and to see if my contractions were consistent. Nope! My doctor told me I barely dilated a 1/2. I was bummed because I was certain she was close to coming. So he stripped my membranes (which I avoided doing all along because it HURTS!) and sent me along.

I drove home talking to my best friend, updating her on what he said. I got home and decided Brenna and I should go to my grandma's and help her fill up her fountain. I was feeling crampy and having contractions like I had the last month and kept thinking it would pass as usual. This was around 4 P.M. An hour later I drove home and decided I shouldn't be driving because my contractions were getting stronger... COULD THIS BE IT?! 

I wrote Joe a text, who was almost off work, and said my contractions are more intense since my appointment. When he got home, he decided for me that I needed to go to the hospital since I was doubled-over in pain. We got there by 6:30. I was walking around and standing up to help with the pain. I wanted to try to avoid an epidural, but I was in too much pain!

They didn't give me the shot till 8:45!!! I was upset! Ten minutes later, it was time to push. I was not numb. They didn't even hook up my IV with the pain medicine! One part of one leg started to feel tingly, but that was it. A half hour later, at 9:31 p.m. my lovely, precious baby girl was born!

I was very pleased with my doctor! He was an amazing coach and made me feel so comfortable. He hadn't been there to deliver Brenna, so I wasn't sure how it would all turn out. Joe and I barely texted our families when it was time for me to push. They all arrived after she was born since she came so fast! We took a few pictures and then they took her away. I was very sad because I had felt so much joy when she came! 

Tears of joy and a heart full of instant love filled me up. It was so different than with Brenna because now I was already a mom and the first time I didn't quite FEEL like one yet. I kept thinking they'd bring her back soon, but an hour turned into two and then they told us the news. They had to move her to the NICU (Newborn Intensive Care Unit) because she wasn't breathing well and had too much fluid in her lungs. 

I was pretty devastated things didn't turn out the same for Brynlee's arrival. Family couldn't really visit and Brenna wasn't allowed in the NICU. Brynlee was hooked up to all sorts of machines and had tubes and IV's that got in the way. Her chest X-Rays showed an infection starting in her lungs and it was very dangerous. Her doctor said it would develop into pneumonia if untreated with antibiotics. She had to be in there eight days and they were the longest days of our lives. We couldn't take her home fast enough! I went to see her every three hours to feed her, change her and cuddle her. By the time I'd leave, I had two hours till I returned. I was able to go home and see Brenna and eat sometimes. 

But on May 21st, she came home with us and got to meet her big sister! We caught it all on tape and it was the most precious thing I had ever seen.

On my way HOME!

First sister picture!

Finally together!

Look what her baby sister got her!

Happy mommy!

Pregnancy Update!

It sure has been awhile since I wrote about my pregnancy! Once January hit, I lost a lot of steam. I am currently 35 weeks pregnant-- 35 days to go!

Here are just a few of my favorite pictures my best friend Brooke came and took at our home last week! I could not have been more pleased! I had taken photos when I was pregnant with Brenna, but I think only two of them were worth printing. I really feel like these pictures showed how much I am enjoying this pregnancy!

A big plus is that I'm not swollen like I was with the first so I actually feel pretty comfortable with what I can wear. It's starting to get warm so wearing long dresses and skirts has been a blast! Having Brenna around to talk to about what life will be like when the baby gets here is so neat.

I decided that I really am going to miss being pregnant. I never thought I'd say that! Besides my kidneys acting badly again, I have had a fantastic pregnancy. And Joe and I are pretty certain this will be our last child so I am also treasuring each day. 

It probably helps that I'm still sleeping well and am very distracted by a very active, heart-melting two-year-old toddler! She asks to give her baby sister a "kiss" on my tummy. She is planning on helping with everything except "sharing mom and dad". :o)

The baby (still no official name!) is over 5 pounds now and is at least 18 inches long. She is pretty much just gaining more fat until her debut. One of my favorite parts is not knowing when she is coming! I can't wait to call Joe (again) and tell him it's time! While the last week of April sounds nice, I'm 99% certain she'll come in May. I just have a feeling.

My baby shower is this weekend! I cannot wait! I was soooo against having one for awhile, but with my friends and family encouraging it, I'm so glad I gave in. I just love seeing all the women I love altogether eating delicious food, talking and celebrating special occasions. And this baby girl is such a joyful celebration we've been waiting for! 

Joe and I had hoped to be moved into our own place before she came, but God has had other plans. We are settling in here as a soon-to-be family of FOUR! Daily I'm trying to buy the finishing touches for her room and I feel a lot of peace lately. I sure needed that peace about now!

So we'll see what the next five weeks bring! I have done a lot of spring cleaning and have just a few things left on my 'list' so while I feel mostly ready, I am not ready just yet!